


stretch marks

by bluecalicocat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Crying, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Living Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, One Shot, Polyamory, Recovery, Relapsing, Weight Gain, Worry, just them being there for each other, not about romance tho, time to talk about mental health!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecalicocat/pseuds/bluecalicocat
Summary: “It’s a mental illness, Sung”, Minho says softly. “No one means to have it. It’s not your choice.”Jisung huffs.“Still. I really wish my brain didn’t work like this, and that I could just stop feeling this way. I don’t want to have a breakdown whenever I gain weight, or get insecure every time my body changes.”
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung/Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 16
Kudos: 269





	stretch marks

**Author's Note:**

> here, have this one shot because apparently i just love projecting onto jisung :]
> 
> i tried to make this more comforting than triggering, it doesn’t really go deep into the eating disorder thoughts and there’s more on the recovery part (though i know it can still be triggering, no matter how i write it). take care <3

Jisung is simply sitting on his bed, chilling and scrolling through youtube on his computer when he first notices it.

It looks like a scar. Placed a bit strangely on the inside of his thigh, right beneath the end of his shorts, but no different than the scar on his boyfriend’s stomach, only smaller and kinda purple-ish instead of white. Not a big deal.

He shrugs it off, and doesn’t think about it until he ends up in the exact same position again two weeks later. This time, he realizes what it is immediately. The realisation makes him want to cry for reasons he can’t even begin to explain. A moment later, he feels bad about feeling bad about it, and the fact that it even feels like a big deal to him fills Jisung with guilt. Everything around him seems to face into a blur as his focus gets stuck inside his own head, the only thing he can hear being the thoughts passing through.

He shouldn’t feel bad. He’s recovering. He shouldn’t feel bad about getting better. One small stretch mark on the inside of his thigh doesn’t get to decide how he feels about his body.

Even as he tries to tell himself that, the guilt and the bad feeling in his stomach don’t go away. He closes his computer screen and breathes, just breathes. After trying to do so calmly for a few minutes, it gets a little too hard to control his thoughts, and he chokes out a sob. The following tears are silent even though he knows he’s alone in the apartment and won’t attract any attention.

He can’t help it, but he hates the small mark that has appeared on his thigh. Not because it’s ugly, because it’s not, at least not to him, but because of what it represents. Maybe it should be a symbol of recovery (that’s what it is, isn’t it?) but he can’t see it that way.

The worst part is that he’s aware of it. He knows it’s probably a good sign, a sign that he’s gained weight and is being quote-unquote “healthy”, or at least healthier than he’s been in the past, but his thoughts and his emotions are a great contrast against one another.

So Jisung cries, because it’s the only thing he can do at the moment.

He wishes this wasn’t a problem, that it could be easy for him to eat and that his body didn’t feel like a burden so often. It doesn’t change how he feels, so he continues to cry.

-:-

Hyunjin approaches Minho the second the older comes home from work, barely letting him enter the apartment before speaking. To the dancer, it seems like Hyunjin has been waiting for him right inside the door the same way a dog would. He’s not sure if it’s more cute or worrying.

“Something’s up with Jisungie”, Hyunjin quickly says, not even bothering with a greeting.

Minho frowns as he takes off his jacket.

“What’s wrong?”

Hyunjin had a dance class right after lunch, but he’s been home the rest of the day, as has Jisung, so he can give a relatively accurate account of what both of them have been doing. Though, in Jisung’s case, it’s more about what he hasn’t been doing.

After listening to Hyunjin’s explanation, Minho looks toward the living room where Jisung is allegedly working with a concerned expression before turning back to the other.

"He hasn't eaten today?"

"No, or at least I don't think so." The younger boy mirrors the emotion on Minho's face. "But he doesn't seem sick, so it’s not that."

They both know what it is. At the very least, they can assume that they know what’s going on, but regardless of the reason why Jisung isn’t eating, it’s something they should talk about. All three of them.

“Have you talked to him?” Minho wonders, glancing into the living room as they pass by the doorway to it. He sees Jisung sitting on the couch with a notebook open on his lap, most likely trying to work on lyrics, but the pair walks past that room so Minho can go leave his bag in their bedroom first. Hyunjin follows him.

“I mean, other than asking a few times, not really. I woke up after him and he said he’d already had breakfast, and he said he would have lunch while I was in class when I asked about that. But there weren’t any dishes, or anything in the trash that could be from takeout, and he’s been kinda… I don’t know, avoiding the topic of food, I guess?”

“Touch?” Minho asks. To another person, the question might not make sense, but both of them have experienced Jisung’s bad days before, and one of the most telling signs is that he’s bothered by people touching his body. Hand-holding and kisses are fine, but if you get too close to his stomach, thighs or arms, he’ll squirm or try to move away. Cuddling isn’t usually appreciated on those days.

“Yeah, that’s the other thing I noticed”, Hyunjin replies, watching as Minho empties out all his stuff on the dresser in their bedroom by turning his bag upside down. The younger pauses to snort at his strange method before continuing. “He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he wasn’t really feeling it when I hugged him this morning.”

That’s all they can know without talking to Jisung and asking the boy about it himself.

Minho looks at Hyunjin, and has to do a double take when he notices what he’s wearing.

“Jinnie, you’re still in your dancing clothes”, he comments. Hyunjin mumbles something inaudible, so Minho asks him to speak up, which he does with only the tiniest bit of annoyance in his voice.

“I was waiting for you to get home.”

Minho almost laughs at him.

“Go change and take a shower, or something”, he says, trying not to grin. “I’ll talk to Jisungie. You can join us when you’re done, yeah?”

Hyunjin agrees.

-:-

Jisung tries to write. He had sat down here earlier with an idea in mind, and he’s gotten a few lines down on paper, but his thoughts are drifting and now he’s mostly staring off into space. When Minho comes and sits next to him, he manages to snap out of it enough to send the older a small smile. Minho returns the gesture.

Jisung has a guess as to what the dancer wants to talk about. He knows he can’t skip many meals without being noticed, not when both his boyfriends are this aware and attentive of his issues, and he’s glad they are, but still. He’d been hoping the conversation would wait. It seems that won’t be the case, though.

His guess is confirmed when Minho starts speaking, and he closes his lyric book with a small sigh.

“How are you feeling?” Minho asks.

“Good.” The answer comes way too quickly. After a few moments of silence, Jisung speaks up again. “Or, not good. Okay. Well, no, actually, I feel really bad right now.”

There’s no use lying to either of them. Both because he doesn’t want to, but also because they would be able to see right through him. There’s no doubt in his mind about it.

“Anything we can help you with?”

Minho’s voice is very gentle. Jisung sighs and tilts his head back, closing his eyes as he faces the ceiling. He’s honestly not sure, so he decides to not give a definite answer and simply say what it feels like instead.

"I feel like I'm gonna have a breakdown. About… about food. And eating."

Minho hums.

"Okay, then here's a revolutionary idea: Do that. Have a breakdown. I'm not saying this because I want you to feel bad, but if you already do, the best thing you can do is deal with it. Just don't avoid what you're feeling, don't suppress your emotions. Have a breakdown, and then take it from there. Okay? It can be good to cry sometimes."

Jisung hasn’t said what’s really bothering him, or the reason why he’s feeling like this, but Minho is still so understanding and willing to help. That thought alone nearly makes Jisung start bawling.

He glances up at Minho, and sees that the older is watching him, waiting for some sort of response.

“Hug?” Jisung asks in a small voice, and that’s all it takes for Minho to move across the couch, not even hesitating before putting his arms around the younger and pulling him close. Jisung isn’t sure if the warmth that overcomes him is physical or emotional, but it’s comforting. He barely notices when he starts crying.

The tears are silent, only broken by the occasional sniffle. In the background, they can hear the shower running, and it’s grounding to know that they’re not alone in the world, despite how isolating Jisung’s thoughts may seem right now.

Minho’s hand moves up and down his back in a reassuring way even when he’s not speaking, and Jisung closes his eyes. It’s not the kind of breakdown he’d been expecting to have. There’s nothing loud or dramatic about it, nothing that shows his emotions more than the tears on his cheeks, but he can feel the weight behind it.

After a while, Jisung leans back from Minho. He stays close enough that they’re still touching, but they’ll be able speak easier in this position. Minho doesn’t pull away entirely, moving his hand from Jisung’s back to rest around his shoulders instead, waiting for the boy to say something.

After wiping his tears as well as he can, Jisung mumbles.

“Thank you.”

Minho taps his fingers against Jisung’s shoulder without thinking about it.

“You don’t need to thank me. What triggered it?”

Jisung opens his mouth, but the words he wants to say all sound wrong in his head, so he ends up sitting there in silence for several moments.

He knows it’s completely irrational, but he feels afraid. It’s such a small thing, really, and the fact that it has this big of an impact on him makes him feel stupid. Jisung wants to cry again.

“I…” he trails off immediately. What is he supposed to say? Now that he’s trying to put it into words, it seems like such a ridiculous thing. _I have a stretch mark on my thigh and now I hate myself._

Talking about his own body is even more uncomfortable than thinking about it, he realizes, but it’s the only way to let people know what he’s going through at the moment, as ridiculous as it may feel. Better to get it over with.

“I have a stretch mark on my thigh, I guess, and now I can’t look at it without feeling like I failed, or something. And then I feel guilty, because it's just recovery, right? I should be okay with it, but I'm not. I just feel…”

He leaves the sentence unfinished, not liking where his thoughts are going. Minho seems to get the message of it anyway. The tapping on Jisung’s shoulder continues, and it’s strangely comforting to him.

“We all want you to get better, but not every day is about recovering”, Minho says slowly. His face is turned forward, and Jisung can tell that he’s thinking deeply about what he’s saying. “Sometimes, it’s just about surviving and getting through. Maybe today is one of those days.”

Jisung will never not be grateful for how much understanding and how much patience both his boyfriends have shown through this. It hasn’t been easy for any of them, and they definitely said some more insensitive things back when it was all new and they weren’t sure how to deal with it, but they’ve grown a lot since then. Minho’s words remind Jisung of that.

“I really thought I was okay”, Jisung mumbles. “I mean, I’ve been doing well recently, but I just… I don’t know. I cried yesterday when I saw the mark, and then I started thinking about restricting again without really meaning to…”

He goes quiet.

“It’s a mental illness, Sung”, Minho says softly. “No one means to have it. It’s not your choice.”

Jisung huffs.

“Still. I really wish my brain didn’t work like this, and that I could just stop feeling this way. I don’t want to have a breakdown whenever I gain weight, or get insecure every time my body changes.”

The two boys haven’t noticed the shower turn off, but as soon as Jisung finishes speaking, Hyunjin steps into the living room with a towel over his head, clearly coming straight from the bathroom. He sends a hesitant smile toward the ones on the couch, probably trying to sense what kind of mood they have going on here.

Jisung smiles and waves at him, which seems friendly enough to Hyunjin. He comes up to sit next to the youngest on the couch, ruffling his hair with the towel.

“You look like a wet dog”, Minho comments. Hyunjin shoots him an offended expression, causing Jisung to laugh and Minho to hold up his hands. “No, no, I wasn’t trying to be rude! I like dogs. Dogs are cute.”

Hyunjin still seems mildly offended, but he only huffs before turning his attention to Jisung. He’s been worried about the younger today, but it’s calming to see him smile now.

“You okay?” the dancer asks, and Jisung finds it funny how similar his tone is to when Minho first sat down on the couch and asked almost the exact same thing. His answer is a bit different this time, though.

“No”, he admits. “But I’m getting there. Crying and talking helps.”

Hyunjin hums and drops the towel in his lap.

“I’m guessing you’ve already told Minho hyung about it, but, uhh…”

“You wanna know what’s wrong?” Jisung can assume what the other is trying to ask, and Hyunjin gives a small nod in confirmation. He doesn’t want to pressure the younger into repeating whatever confession Minho got to hear, especially considering the topic is something Jisung isn’t entirely comfortable talking about it, but it would help Hyunjin to know what’s bothering him.

He picks at the fabric of his sweatpants as he replies.

“Had a stretch mark on my thigh”, Jisung speaks, and the words feel a bit lighter this time. It’s not as difficult to speak. “Got very insecure, cried, felt like I had to stop eating…”

After looking at the boy for a few moments, Hyunjin leans forward and drapes himself over the other in a very Hyunjin-like fashion. Jisung doesn’t blink at this, simply moves a little to make the new position less awkward for both of their limbs. Minho watches them from the side with a smile.

As Jisung is busy adjusting to the new position, Hyunjin reaches for his hand, which is placed on top of his thigh from where he’d been tracing patterns over the sweatpants. Once he has their hands locked together, he speaks up.

“I know it might not help, but I’m gonna say it anyway because it’s true”, Hyunjin starts. “I love your thighs.”

Jisung giggles as Hyunjin sticks a finger out from their intertwined hands to poke said thigh.

“Don’t be weird”, the younger says.

“Not weird, I’m just appreciating them!”

Jisung giggles again, before settling down once more, his hand still intertwined with Hyunjin’s on top of his leg. The skin contact doesn’t bother him the way it usually would on a bad day. Probably a sign that the day is improving.

“I wish I could just… believe it when you tell me that”, Jisung says, looking away from Hyunjin. “That my issues could go away when someone tells me they like the way I look.”

Minho reaches out from Jisung’s other side, and grabs his free hand. He gives a sad sort of smile when Jisung turns to face him.

“We can be here for you through everything, but we can’t recover for you”, the oldest says. Jisung squeezes his hand. “I really wish we could.”

“I know that”, he mumbles. “Still kinda sucks, though. But I was thinking about making an appointment with my therapist earlier. I don’t wanna wait until it gets bad again.”

“That’s really good, baby”, Hyunjin replies, his face squished against Jisung’s shoulder and making his words muffled.

From his other side, Minho agrees.

Jisung may not magically get better from their support, but it helps a great deal, and he’s eternally grateful for having these two by his side.

-:-

Maybe Hyunjin has gotten used to hearing Minho talk in his sleep, because the older can have a whole monologue without disturbing Hyunjin in the slightest, but the second Jisung even breathes a little too loud, Hyunjin's eyes are open and he's turning around to check on their youngest.

That’s exactly what’s happening right now.

“Ji”, he whispers. “You okay?”

Hyunjin peers at Jisung through the dark, seeing the younger on his back with his eyes closed. He nods in a highly unconvincing way. Their conversation from earlier today is on Hyunjin’s mind, and he wonders if Jisung being awake has something to do with that.

“You sure?”

Jisung doesn’t nod this time, but opens his mouth instead.

“Yeah, sorry, it’s dumb. Go back to sleep.”

“So you’re not fine, then.” This time, it isn’t a question, merely an acknowledgment. Whether his problem is dumb or not remains to be seen, but there’s obviously something wrong. “What’s up?”

“The ceiling”, Jisung deadpans, not opening his eyes. He then lets out a slow breath. “Go to sleep, Jinnie. It’s fine, just my brain being a dumbass bitch again.”

Ah, Hyunjin knows that one.

“Oh, no. What’s it saying now?”

He can tell from Jisung’s tone that tonight is not the time to be emotionally vulnerable, but he’s not going to let whatever is bothering him slide because of that.

“You know, just the typical stuff. My arm accidentally touched my stomach earlier, and my thoughts ran wild. It’s kinda funny, actually. It’s almost like my brain forgets that the rest of my body exists, with the way it freaks out at every reminder of it.”

Minho is usually the one to deal with Jisung’s kind-of-joking-but-not-really confessions, the ones that are layered with humor but can still be recognized for what they truly are. He’s sharing his issues, but doesn’t have the energy to do it in a serious matter. Calling his own brain a 'dumbass bitch' is a classic Jisung move.

Minho always has the best responses to this type of thing, so Hyunjin tries to think of what the older would have said in this situation.

“Sounds like your brain isn’t very self-aware.”

Jisung snorts, which Hyunjin counts as a win.

“No, shit. And it’s worse, because it’s like my brain keeps discovering why it hates my body over and over again, as if it wasn’t enough to realize that it didn’t like my body the first time.”

Hyunjin isn’t sure he’s following what Jisung is saying, but he thinks the general feeling comes across well enough.

“That sucks. It shoulder be nicer to your body. Considering, you know, your body is where your brain is. It wouldn’t get anywhere without a body.”

Jisung lets out a small breath of air. It almost sounds like it could be a laugh.

“Yeah”, he says softly. “Kind of dumb, really. I don’t know why my brain can’t just shut up and let me live. I just wanna sleep.”

“Then why don’t you?” Hyunjin asks. “What’s your brain saying that keeps you up?”

Jisung is about to say something, but stops himself. Hyunjin softens his tone.

“You can tell me. Unless you don’t want me to hear. That’s fine, too.”

“No, no, I’m okay with saying it, I just don’t want to put my issues on you.”

He turns so that he’s laying on his side, facing Hyunjin. Minho is still sleeping behind his back, but their conversation doesn’t seem to be disturbing their oldest at all, since he hasn’t woken up yet. They continue in hushed voices.

“You’re not”, Hyunjin says, and Jisung lets out another breath.

“Yeah, well, it’s not anything new. Just the usual ‘you’re disgusting’, ‘how can people even look at you’, all that fun stuff.”

He puts his hand on the mattress between them, palm facing up, and Hyunjin takes it. It’s way too early (or late?) to have this kind of conversation, but the talking looks like it’s helped since Jisung is settling down now. You can tell from the way his face relaxes that he’s not nearly as troubled as he had been earlier, and Hyunjin hopes they’ll be able to go back to sleep.

“Well, I hope you know that’s wrong”, he hums, tightening his hold of Jisung’s hand. Hyunjin glances at the other’s face and sees that his eyes are closed.

Jisung is too tired to respond, but he squeezes Hyunjin’s hand to show that he’s heard him and gives a small smile. Lucky for him, the dancer has his eyes open and catches the smile, small as it is.

His problems aren’t solved, but he feels good enough to go to sleep now. Or maybe it’s the exhaustion. Yeah, it doesn’t actually matter why. Point is, he gets to sleep, and that’s enough for the moment.

-:-

Jisung wakes up to voices talking around him, and it takes his sleep-muddled brain a few moments to catch up to what they’re saying.

"I made breakfast." That sounds like Minho. Considering he’s the only one of them who can cook, it has to be him.

“Oh, thank you! Do you need help setting the table?” Hyunjin asks. The mattress moves, presumably as Hyunjin gets up from it.

“Yeah. If you do that, I can get the baby.”

“Did you just refer to me as ‘the baby’?” Jisung mumbles, rolling over on his side and wanting nothing more than to smash his face into the pillow and go back to sleep. Instead, he peeks his eyes open to find Minho already looking at him, seated at the edge of the bed. Hyunjin must have left the room while he was busy waking up.

“Should I not have?” Minho retorts, raising his eyebrows. “I mean, it’s not like I’m not wrong. You are a baby. Our baby.”

As much as Jisung wants to disagree, he knows he won’t have much luck changing the older’s mind. Besides, it’s not like he cares.

“Hey, you. Breakfast”, Minho speaks again, standing up from the bed and turning to Jisung, who gives him a blank look. It’s not that early in the morning but he doesn’t feel like leaving the comfort of the bed yet. The rest of the apartment is going to be cold. Is it worth it to leave the bed just for breakfast?

That’s an entirely different issue, though. The idea of having breakfast isn’t as daunting as it could be, and thinking about eating doesn’t bother him as much as it had yesterday, but it’s still a bit… Uncomfortable? That doesn’t seem to be the right word for it.

It gets harder sometimes. He can eat and laugh and be happy for several weeks, maybe even months, but it isn’t easy. Or, it can be, but it isn’t always. It sometimes scares him that maybe he’ll always struggle with this, that it won’t ever go away.

Jisung knows how much Hyunjin and Minho wish they could solve all of his problems, but truth is, they can’t. They can be a distraction, a comforting voice, a support system, but their love is not the cure. It helps a great deal, but it will never be an instant fix.

“Are you guys coming?” he hears Hyunjin shout from the kitchen, effectively bringing Jisung’s mind away from those thoughts and back to the present. Minho is still looking at him, now with a hint of concern in his eyes, probably because of how much time Jisung is taking to respond. He’s right to be worried, but the younger only smiles.

“Yeah. Let’s eat.”

Minho doesn’t look convinced.

“How are you feeling today?”

His voice is a lot softer as he asks this. The dancer must have made the connection between Jisung’s unwillingness to leave the bed and the fact that they’re having breakfast, even though Jisung himself barely has the energy to think about that.

“I’m…” he trails off, not sure how to phrase it without either making it sound worse than it is, or like he’s lying. “Better than yesterday, definitely, but, uhm… I don’t really wanna think about food.”

It’s nothing worse than that. His issues are still there but they’re not as prominent as they had been yesterday, and he thinks he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t focus too much on any thoughts about eating. It’s something he has explained to his boyfriends before, that sometimes it’s easier to eat if he doesn’t think about it. He hopes Minho remembers that now, because Jisung isn’t sure he can talk much more about it today.

Minho holds a hand out to pull Jisung up from the bed, and the boy takes it.

“There’s been a lot of drama in Hyunjin’s dance group recently”, Minho tells him with an amused smile. “He can tell you all about it if we just go to the kitchen. I think someone hit Felix with a shoe yesterday? Yeah, shit’s wild over there.”

Jisung is well aware of what Minho is trying to do, and he’s also very grateful for it. Having something else to talk about, another topic to focus on, is exactly what he needs right now.

“Wait, really? What type of shoe?” Jisung questions as he’s led toward the kitchen, where he can hear Hyunjin moving around.

Minho gives him an incredulous look.

“I tell you that your best friend has been hit with a shoe, and the first thing you wanna know is what type of shoe it was? Unbelievable.”

As they keep talking, Hyunjin joining the conversation once they enter the kitchen, Jisung thinks that a happy ending doesn’t necessarily mean all your problems are gone. It just means you’re better at dealing with them now. And to him, that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> the point i was trying to make with this is about how love doesn’t make your eating disorder (or any mental health issue, really) go away. you can have people supporting you, which can help a great deal, but recovery is so much more. i tried my best to portray that.
> 
> thanks for reading <3


End file.
